We’ve all met them – people who make you feel less, worse or just… drained. They leave you tired, confused, frustrated or depressed. Often without you really understanding why.
These are toxic people – individuals whose behavior literally poisons their environment.

Being around a toxic person is like being exposed to a slow-acting poison. Their behavior damages your self-esteem, your calm and your energy. In some cases, it resembles a kind of parasitic behavior – cold, empathic and manipulative.

Therefore, it is important that you learn to recognize these people in time. That you don’t let them get under your skin, because healing can otherwise take a long time.

Here are 11 clear signs that a person is toxic – and how to identify them to protect yourself. Avoiding them… is the best medicine.

11 signs that a person is toxic

1. Spreads negativity and bad energy
   They make the room feel heavier. You feel drained after meeting them.
2. Often criticizes and judges
   They point out your (and others’) flaws – preferably in public. Criticism is rarely constructive but patronizing.
3. Jealousy pervades their behavior
   Instead of rejoicing in the success of others, they try to diminish or sabotage it.
4. Lying without blinking
   Dishonesty is commonplace. They betray and deceive – and only blame others.
5. Everything revolves around them
   They have a big ego. Your well-being is secondary – if it even counts.
6. Projecting their own faults and behavior onto you
   They place blame and responsibility on you for their own bad behavior. Often narcissistic.
7. Manipulate and control
   They use flattery, guilt or drama to control you. At first they seem wonderful – until you get stuck. They oscillate between being positive and then reverting to habitual, intentionally harmful behavior.
8. Living for drama
   Small things become big. They thrive on chaos because it keeps them in power. They are drama queens.
9. Often playing the victim
   They rarely take responsibility, but feel sorry for themselves – and expect you to do so too.
10. Don’t want to change
    They see nothing wrong with their behavior. Criticism is met with defense or attack. Self-awareness is lacking, and they are often unable to change.
11. Empathy is seen as a weakness Psychopaths lack conscience and natural empathy – and therefore see empathy in others as a weakness to exploit.

Understanding this is the beginning of protecting your energy.
You deserve relationships that lift you up – not break you down.

Psychopathic traits

Toxic people often have false selves, and are terrified of – or unable to connect with others with love and joy.

People with varying degrees of psychopathic traits lack the ability to empathize with those around them. They know what is right and wrong to do, but feel they are above the rules and norms of society. They justify their own behavior and lack what is normally called a conscience.

Psychopathy is at the intersection of narcissistic, borderline and antisocial personality disorder – the so-called acting-out disorders. It is a serious diagnosis with personality traits and social dysfunctions that require a deeper investigation.

A full-blown psychopath is prepared to do anything to get their way. He or she is happy to take credit when things go well, but ensures that others are blamed for failures.

Since this extremely self-centered and harmful behavior has increased greatly in recent decades, I want to address it here. Narcissism is rewarded and some researchers believe that it has increased as much as obesity has increased in the last 30-40 years. If we are not careful, they can take over, we need to show that it is not ok and jointly counteract such behavior.

MISCONNECTED BRAIN – when empathy is missing

Brain scan research shows that psychopaths’ brains are miswired. When they see someone happy – they get depressed. When they see someone sad – they gloat.

One woman said that her ex-husband forbade her to laugh because it “bothered him”. Another said her ex was good when she was bad – and bad when she was happy. Unfortunately, this is exactly how it works.

Learned – but not genuine empathy

Psychopaths can sometimes show learned empathy – but they don’t feel it. They only have some pity when they can imagine themselves in the same situation. But they cannot feel genuine compassion for another human being.

No conscience. No regrets. They lack:

• Long-term thinking
• The ability to feel guilty
• The ability to feel remorse

Such a person in a position of power is dangerous – and unfortunately they are often drawn to places where they can control and direct others.

Mirror neurons that do not work

Scientists suspect that psychopaths’ mirror neuron system is damaged. It is this system that makes us:

• Get sad when someone cries
• Infected by a smile or laughter

So it is precisely the reflection of others that the psychopath lacks – and so those with empathy are often targeted. Those who care about others are often in the firing line.

Psychopaths see empathy as a weakness in others because they themselves lack both a conscience and natural empathy.

 

Actions – protect yourself and start healing

Dealing with a person with psychopathic traits is often difficult. Part of the problem is precisely their inability to:

• See your own behavior
• Feel remorse when they hurt others
• Willingness to change or develop

Many of them carry a deep inner pain that they do everything to avoid. But those who cannot face their feelings – even the tough ones – cannot develop as human beings either.

Speak up – early and clearly

The earlier you set limits, the better you protect yourself. The only thing that really works is that:

• Speak openly about what is happening
• Show clearly that you do not accept it
• Be firm, straight and decisive

Pull away – for your own healing

If possible: avoid the person completely. Leaving their environment is often necessary to start healing. They cannot tolerate being ignored, as their self-image is thin and based on external validation. It doesn’t get better with age – quite the opposite. When the social veneer cracks, their behavior often becomes more obvious and destructive.

Seek support – you don’t have to bear it yourself

Getting support from others is crucial. Therefore, for example 12-step programs are so effective – just sharing your experience and recognizing yourself in others is healing in itself. Surround yourself with empathetic, safe people as soon as you can. It is one of the most important things you can do for your own self-healing.

ATTENTION! The debt is not yours

It’s easy to start blaming yourself: “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” “Why did I let it go so far?” But remember: these people have a strong, almost magnetic field that draws others in and makes them lose their own inner compass. You are not weak – you are human. The important thing is that you start to see the warning signs in time and act – for your own freedom and future.

This kind of disease can only continue in silence… By becoming aware of it, talking about it and saying that it is not ok, you can change.

Summary: Psychopaths are difficult to deal with – they lack introspection, remorse and empathy. Here’s concrete advice to set boundaries, protect yourself and start healing. You’re not alone – and it’s never too late to take back your power.

• Text partly new and partly from“New Stop Fighting – Start Living“, 2016 (references available there).
• Also read excellent books on psychopaths written by Lisbet Duvringe and Mike Florette, see here.

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